6 things I’d tell my kids

May 24, 2012 — Leave a comment

May 24, 2012

As we discussed last week, kids cost a lot of money; this got me thinking about what I’d tell my kids (if I had kids, and I actually had the guts to be mean). I probably wouldn’t really tell them this, but…

1. You can’t be anything you want to be

If you could be anything you want to be, don’t you think all adults would be doing something way cooler than what they are doing now? Why the hell do we have trash men and accountants if we all could be what we wanted to be?! Seriously, do you think I wanted to be a Consultant when I was a kid? No, I wanted to play ball like Jordan or rock like Ozzy.

If you want to excel at anything, you’re going to have to put a crapload of time into it and stop whining about it being hard.

2. Sometimes it’s ok to lie

Remember when our neighbor asked if it was our dog pooping in their yard and I said no? Well, sometimes it’s ok to lie. Most adults do it, they just don’t fess up to it. Lying is essential to keep harmony in our society. You just have to be careful about getting caught because then people won’t trust you.

3. Most adults are full of it, don’t listen to them

Earlier I told you most adults lie; this brings me to my next point… don’t trust adults. Don’t trust the experts that tell you coffee is good for you and then days later change their mind. Any time sometime tells you, “I had it so rough as a kid”, tell them to stop their whining and get a life.

4. Your friend’s dad isn’t on “vacation”

That’s right, they’re liars too. His parents hate each other and would rather pay for two homes than spend one more second around each other. In fact, if it wasn’t for your friend (which they had on accident) there’s no way they would be together. American’s suck at picking potential spouses. Be smart like me and pick a great woman like your Mother (and I’m not a liar).

5. You’re going to get old, enjoy it now!

I’d take three months off every summer and enjoy a nap every day if I could too. Trust me, just because I can drive a car and can lift you over my head doesn’t mean my life is awesome. Treasure never having to do anything for yourself.

You can fall out a tree and be fine or sprint from a standing position without pulling a muscle. Treasure it. Seriously, I tore my Achilles playing kickball!! Don’t even get me started on not having to buy anything yourself.

6. People are crazy

Do you know why our neighbor has 27 plastic and ceramic squirrels of various sizes outside of his house? Well, neither do I… sometimes people are just crazy. Don’t think it has anything to do with you or that you can help them. Oh no, all you should do is avoid contact with him but occasionally hide his squirrels so he has reason to believe everyone is ‘out to get him’.

Besides that, enjoy life… it’s going to be great!

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